A few days ago I was doing my morning training routine, processing my leftover emotions from the day before and observing the voice inside that so often tells me I am “bad” and “wrong.”
This is a voice I am familiar with. I am often reminded of its existence. It’s a voice that seems to be at the root of most of my strong reactions, emotions and pain. On that particular day, I was feeling especially brave, and decided to really lean into this voice. I spoke to it, “You’re just a voice. You’re not real. Why do I listen to you? Why do I believe you? You do nothing but hurt me, and you’re not even the truth. I’ve been listening to you for so long, but you don’t actually even exist.”
As I had this silent conversation deep in my heart, I could begin to feel the truly illusory nature of this belief. It was as if the densest cloud of all – a cloud that seemed to be like a wall, or even stronger than a wall, like a veil of reality covering reality – began to dissolve. As it broke apart, the light at the bottom of me, the light of my soul, began to shine through.
With increasing confidence, I continued to speak to my voice, “You are not the truth. You never were. You are just an illusion.” The more I felt this to be true, the more the light grew brighter inside. Pure love filled my heart. An amazing sense of freedom began to wash over me. “It’s not true! It’s not true!” my soul rejoiced. A prison I had lived in my entire life suddenly looked like a ridiculous joke!
It’s not as if I didn’t already know this…of course I knew this voice was my story and not the truth. But now I was feeling it in a more complete way than I ever had. The belief that I am somehow “bad” or “wrong” had been broken open – I had discovered its illusory nature and felt liberated.
After having this experience and finishing up my training, Nancy Verrier’s book The Primal Wound kept coming to mind. I grabbed the book from my shelf and scoured it’s pages until I found this underlined passage:
Since it is hard to figure out what a tiny baby can do to become unchosen, it must have been who she was that was rejected….This sets up adopted children for feelings of failure on every level, where every subsequent rejection, even the slightest one, simply reinforces their belief in their innate “badness.”
Yes, that’s it! I thought, That’s my belief!! Someone else understands me!! But guess what? Today I can feel with every fiber of my being that my belief is an illusion. It’s literally been with me since the day I was born, but it’s still an illusion.
Feeling this truth at a cellular level was so joyful. My heart was filled with love that day. My love, my light, my joy – the essence of my existence – can never, ever be bad or wrong in any way.
I’m not writing this post to tell other adoptees, or anyone for that matter, the pain they feel inside is not real. I simply wanted to share my celebration of feeling this deep belief as simply that which it is…just a belief.
As I prepared to write today I found myself singing Joni Mitchell’s classic over and over again, “Both Sides Now.” Perhaps we should all celebrate the illusory nature of the struggle we often call “life” as we sing this song together….
I love this article, and thank you for sharing it! I wrote once about the feelings of badness that have been attached from before I was even born and then adopted into Christianity, and the feelings of badness by way of being “born a sinner” didn’t help any, yet made my feelings of badness even worse. So finally, when I stepped into a healing space and came out of the fog, I slowly started to learn to separate myself from those false beliefs because they were false, to begin with. It doesn’t mean the feelings aren’t real, but I am not those feelings of badness. Thanks for writing this! Super helpful and confirming. XOXO
Wow, thank you for sharing, Pamela! I love hearing about your process and how you have experienced something similar. I’m so happy that you, too, have been freeing yourself form this false belief!
The realization that illusions are based in belief is astonishing, isn’t it? I’m reminded of an experience my teacher related in her first book, where she and her teacher were sitting on the ground in the wilderness. Agnes told her to state her beliefs, and after each one, to pick up a stone and place it in front of her. When she’d finished, Agnes pointed to the huge mound of stones and likened it to a weighted garland my teacher had worn around her neck all her life. That story struck me so deeply that I now find myself faltering before saying “I believe” about anything! It made me realize that beliefs in general are heavy weights that obscure truth in the present moment. We tend to feel bound by our beliefs, which were created in the past and by which we plan the future. I still wrestle with this and usually prelude “I believe” with “In this moment.” But I think a better statement would be “My truth is…,” which you’ve depicted beautifully in this post. You are a sister and kindred spirit, Danielle. Feel a big hug ❤️
Aw ~ big hug back to you, Tina!! I couldn’t agree more. The realization is amazingly astonishing, I would say. In the most liberating way 🙂 Though sometimes painful when our illusions are cracking open, it’s so worth it!
My Healing Tree reaches upward and outward to this enlightened story.
That’s a beautiful image, Vinson 🙂
Wow Danielle! All I can say is I had a similar experience just this morning and I tried tapping and talking to see if it could help me. It did. I saw the young wounded part of me that carried this belief of unlovable and unworthy. A part that can feel so hateful at times. “I feel l don’t like myself” was among part of the words and story that came to mind. As I worked with it I saw it become separate from me. A deep place inside that needed my love and attention. Then I felt release from its grip as I embraced it. I am in awe that you are sharing a similar experience here. Thank you for that! Thank you for being you. Knowing you seems to have tapped into an energy and spiritual place in myself permission to be more open and feel more authentic. Hard to put in words, sometimes, but something like that. ❤️🙏
I’m so happy to hear this, Saige! That’s really wonderful! It’s amazing that we had a similar experience and at the same time I’m delighted to know you were able to use the tools in real-time and they worked for you! That’s all we can do, right? Practice. Feel ourselves and face ourselves. Awaken to our illusions and realize that we do actually exist beyond them. I’m so glad this was a healing moment for you. Sending lots of love and light!