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My 2019 Surrender

It’s mid-October and there is only 1.5 months left in this year. I think that it’s a good time to self-assess our 2019 goals!

For me, this year’s theme was “Letting Go, Letting Go, Letting Go.” Yes, I put THREE Letting Go’s in there! What was I thinking ??! 🙂

Well, it turned out that I did have quite a big letting go experience this year. It was an experience that taught me – for the first time – what true letting go really is.

It was not a pleasant experience, mind you. Not while I was in the middle of it, anyway. It felt like dying. Ego dying. Because, in fact, my ego was dying.

The ego doesn’t go out easily. Its instinct is to live. It has its roots in the human body, so it behaves with the same program as the physical body – the program to survive.

The soul, however, has its roots in the Divine Oneness. It exists in and of itself eternally. Therefore, it doesn’t try to live. Because it cannot die. It just Is. It exists, like a great presence, that just watches and waits. It waits for us to seek it out. To find it.

What I came to realize was that my ego was feeding off of so many wants and likes that were living in my head and heart. “I want it it to be this way!” “I don’t want it to be that way!” “I like this!” “I don’t like that!” I had a laundry list of desires that I was attached to in my mind, and I was fooling myself believing that they were the only things that would make my heart happy. But what can really make the heart truly truly happy? Attaining my wants and likes? But then what happens when life brings me things that I don’t want and that I don’t like? Should I just be miserable then? Should I just suffer and live trying to dodge the so-called bad and reach for the so-called good? Personally I found this to be exhausting. And all it brought to me was a bunch of disappointment, a whole lot of unrealistic future fantasy, and a growing blockage in my heart chakra which bred all kinds of emotions such as frustration, anger and pride.

So what did I do to solve this? Finally, after a wild ego fight, I decided to let go of them. I let go of the wants and the likes. I just let go. Stop. Grabbing. For that stuff. And just be. And when the pain of my shattering ego cleared, there was a great light and peace inside. There was nothing, really. So my Soul could stretch out. And I felt freedom. The freedom of letting go.

Now, although I feel that my experience was one of the most profound and important spiritual experiences that I’ve ever had, which led me to a far deeper understanding about myself and life, I feel that it was just the beginning of a new door opening. I need to continually keep my eye on that ego of mine, that starts to build itself back up again in an instant, feeding off of all my opinions and ideas – my judgements and my desires. I’m not saying that the ego is bad, I’m just saying that after awakening my senses with Brain Education all these years, I am able to feel how uncomfortable and unhealthy it is for me to let my ego run my life and make my choices. A far better, although seemingly harder, but definitely greater choice would be to just surrender. Surrender to what is, and let the shell of the self who tries to fight and control it to be otherwise – with endless expectations and untruths – fall away. It’s just a shell after all. A shadow. A story. An illusion. These stories make me sick. And I choose to grow myself into the person who no longer buys into them.

It’s scary. We feel deep down that perhaps we will be painfully lonely if we let go of such stories and habits that have been with us for so long. In a weird way, they have become our “friends.” But such “friends” prevent us from true happiness and peace. They don’t allow us to exist here and now. They are stealing away our precious present moment. That is why we have to take the risk. And when we do, we will find, rising out from that darkness, the truth of Life.

It’s so hard to describe. And, it’s possible that this blog post has failed to do so. However, I wanted to try. Because it is the most important thing that happened to me this year and it wouldn’t have happened had I not had the goal of Letting Go. Letting Go. And still….keep….ever….Letting Go.

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  1. Seema Tiwari says:

    Letting go is perhaps the most difficult thing to accomplish. But one of the most liberating experiences for sure!

    Happiness from materialistic things is momentary. Yet, we fool ourselves into believing that it will help us live “happily ever after.” But once we get what we want, our mind jumps on to the next wish on our list. And we end up spending a long time feeling miserable in pursuit of those momentary happiness. It is indeed the desire to be “in control” of our lives along with the arrogance that we “know” which “things” will make us happy that boosts our ego. We believe that As long as we are in control – of people, of situations – we will be happy. The moment we lose control – we just blame the whole world for things going awry!

    Losing control is ok. Losing mind over losing control is not, for it only adds to our misery.

    Every moment is a miracle unfolding before us. Every person we meet, every situation we encounter has one and only one purpose – to teach us something important about life. Obstacles / Struggles / Heartbreaks / Loss are part and parcel of our lives. And our approach and attitude towards them will determine whether they will shape us or break us.

    Let Go of the Ego to find peace of mind and to realize the true strength of your character!

    1. Danielle says:

      Thank you for your thoughts, Seema 🙂

  2. Alice says:

    Now, I can’t stop thinking about “Let It Go” from Frozen!! It’s probably appropriate because I’m feeling frozen about the concept of letting go of my ego and the narrative in my head. I’m not there yet, but your journey towards peace of mind is definitely worth contemplating. I’m more comfortable hibernating at the moment but hoping to find some degree of enlightenment before the end of the year…

    1. Danielle says:

      Thank you for sharing Alice! I’m glad to see you observing yourself and respecting your choices!

  3. Jennifer claire says:

    Oh my precious friend. Once again, we’re on the same page. I’ve been in Az the past week and so many situations have occurred where I had a choice; freak out, panic, worry, OR let it go! Just be..just breathe. Everything comes as it should and will. I let go. Xxoo love you

    1. Danielle says:

      Yay to letting go!! Sending you a warm embrace for your journey 🙂

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